PFOed

(sung to Jim Reeves’ “He’ll Have to Go”

for Professor Richard Aquila, caring mentor and life-long friend,

upon his retirement, and in tongue-in-cheek tribute to helping me 

avoid being PFOed as a clueless ABD in 1981)

 

State your thesis a little bolder than you know—

(Don’t divulge your dissertation’s not yet honed)

I’ll sell a fan of your All-But-Done you’re a GO—

And you can quell the fear that you will be PFOed.

 

List as fully all the work you think you do,

Never say if it is truly peer-reviewed—

And double-blind is never mind in what you show—

Should you try to be forthcoming, it’s PFO.

 

You must say just what they want to hear

Even with your R-1 brand

The position may be 4-and-4

But it’s still a tenured stand.

 

State your thesis a little bolder than you know—

(Don’t divulge your dissertation’s not yet honed)

I’ll sell a fan of your All-But-Done you’re a GO—

And you can quell the fear that you will be PFOed.